today I wish…

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I wish I had more time to read. Right now I could use some quality time with one of my favorite self-help books and a cuppa tea. I wish self-help books didn’t carry that stigma of “fixing” something that’s wrong etc. I really view them as supplements to a good ‘ole fashioned positive mental attitude.  For instance, I could use a good flip through my self-compassion books which are in my nightstand, and also my favorite Deepak books. As I heap some guilt upon myself, and try to remain sane and loving to all it’s nice to read these books, whose words I can digest without judgement and make me feel better by putting me in a positive frame of mind. Sometimes it’s all too easy to be carried away with feelings, and those we love despite, all their good intentions, sometimes unintentionally feed the side of you that breeds guilt. I won’t list the things that tweak that guilt reflex but I will say that I recognize it, and I realize that a lot of this ‘guilt uprising’ has to do with being a new mom. Now there is one more person to please and try not to disappoint! :-) Oh, I know that’s just a poor, snap description but it’s nearer to the truth than I would normally care to admit. Here is a person who will see me forever as their example and therein lies this added pressure. I want my child to grow up with a happy, loving mother. I want my child to know that she can learn, do, be and accomplish anything. It is a little bit of a contrast to how I grew up, not  that I didn’t have those things growing up… I just didn’t feel that I did and that makes all the difference. Now as an adult, and as of late especially, I see unfinished business everywhere. Not only is it in the tasks that I have to complete, but it is larger than that, more big picture if you will. This week marks the 11th anniversary of when I got hired by my company, as a contractor at first. I just realized that! Crazy how time flies… anyways… Over the years I have felt stuck in different areas of my life. That last 2 years have been great and I’ve been able to clear up some personal things and I’ve had the love and happiness in my life multiply over and over. However, my sense of accomplishment in my professional life, is still missing. Sorry, that’s a bit of a tangent… basically what I’m saying is that I don’t want anymore loose ends in my life. This doesn’t come easy for me, but I’m going to make a conscious effort to complete the things I start and to begin changing the things I wish to change. It’s the best example I could be for my child, in addition to being loving and compassionate with myself and others. As this thought train starts to occupy my head space I will probably write about it more to get it out of there and out here in the world where I can actually do something about it.

In the next few weeks and months you’ll probably see more posts regarding ‘goals’ etc. And, although I’ll probably only be blogging sporadically at best while I juggle mommyhood, I’ll try to recap where things stand. I’ll check in with how I’m feeling and how things are coming along in the goals and to-do’s I’ve set out for myself. Very exciting times are ahead! <3

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