If you write, you know that writing in and of itself is a form of therapy. I’ll give talking to others the credit it deserves since it is equally hard to share your guts with someone else but there is something about a blank page or a screen staring back at you that makes getting the words out even scarier. The blank page doesn’t give you a meaningful knowing look, it doesn’t pat you on the arm and say it’s ok, it has Aspergers syndrome, your emotions don’t register with it. The cursor (in my case) just blinks back at me, making uncomfortable eye contact. What the blank page has in favor of it, that a conversation with a friend, counselor or love one does not have, is that it’s a visual account of what you have felt. I don’t have total recall, I can say a lot of things in a conversation (not counting the ones that are taking place in my mind), and forget significant portions, not only of what other people say, but chiefly what I say. Words on paper regulate that tendency to move forward too quickly and forget.
I guess that is a perfect segue for my ‘thoughts on closure’ since after some meaningful discussions with my love we discussed former loves of mine, focusing primarily on closure. So let me tell you what closure is not,
> Closure is not moving on.
> Closure is not fleeing the scene.
> Closure is not avoiding someone.
> Closure is not unresolved feelings/emotions.
> Closure is not an unspoken thought
> Closure is not a party you throw for yourself
> Closure is not a TV show ( you’re thinking of the Closer)
> Closure is not painful.
> Closure is not up for discussion. If you can get it, then get it.
What is it then?
> Closure is a healed scar, not a scab, and definitely it’s not an open wound. (If you’re still bleeding, please seek medical attention)
> Closure is the ability to focus on what was, not what wasn’t.
> Closure is perfect peace about the situation.
> Closure is when you’re eyes move always forward, and your heart or your mind, doesn’t pull you back.
> Closure is acceptance (see perfect peace^) but it’s also forgiveness. This means you/me as well as the other party.
There are probably a lot more things that we can say define closure. I stopped short of providing Webster’s definition, thought I’m curious now. I realized recently that I had been treating closure based on what it wasn’t and there were HUGE things from the, what is it list that I was not seeing, facing or accepting. I was in out of sight and out of mind mode. But none of it was out of my deeply buried emotional well of grief. I was still grieving. Not forgiving myself, that was big. I hadn’t forgiven myself. AND I had let my internal dialogue speak to me in that way, that says, ‘you don’t deserve this because of x y z’, or you know all the falsity your inner narrator can say. Why do we listen? I guess because that is a voice that is always there, if we don’t learn to control it, it takes over. It’s some weird mind control shit.
Let’s leave this for right now with the acknowledgement to myself that I have been hurting for a long time because of misconceptions based on the lists above. I will remember that it’s never to late to fix something, that it’s never too late for anything. That there is hope for anything. Nothing dims the light inside us quite like the loss of hope, or the blind acceptance that things are bad and unchangeable, or that we are unworthy of deep fulfillment and happiness. I say this for me, because I need to hear it and believe that its true: You deserve to be happy. You are not your past transgressions. Let go of the past hurts. Forgive your past self and move on without the guilt and shame and worthlessness, into a future of abundance and love.
Now we are getting somewhere.
Leave me your comments below. I want to know what you think closure is and what it’s not. I will probably revisit this post again and see if I forgot to add anything, it’s been written in a hurry and now the gym is calling.