Wow, February already. Can’t believe how the time is flying by. The saying goes that time flies when you’re having fun, but I guarantee you it can also fly by when the opposite is true. I haven’t been having a fun month. I have been trying to find joy in all the things around me that I love and that do make me happy. But lately, I feel like it’s harder to be happy. The prevailing feeling is frustration, anger, anxiety, moodiness, fear and guilt tinged with shame. None of which are particularly pleasant, mind you. It’s been a long time since I felt this way, and this adds to the frustration. I thought I was past this stuff. I thought I was stronger than this and better able to avoid the patterns and behaviors that lead me to this place. I guess, as with anything, without the proper practice and training, you forget the coping skills that keep you from slipping.
I keep wanting others to be kinder to me, be nicer to me, reinforce me, uplift me etc. So much of what I believe comes from the outside. Naughty, naughty! After all, what you think you become right? So really, I have to believe nice things about myself and as of late, I haven’t been very compassionate towards myself. I realize this, I suppose that’s step one. I started to really see the extent of my slump when even things that I wanted to do, stressed me out! I mean, it’s hard to want to be perfect all the time! In my creative space, I’d feel overwhelmed with how long it took me to do something, “I suck at this” is a phrase I’d say all the time. Where is my compassion? I’m learning something new! Where is my patience? Where is the loving kindness? Maybe, and I can only guess, I am giving so much of it away that I don’t have much for myself? I haven’t found the way to fill myself up.
I have tried to plow through things that give me a little bit of angst. One being the art journal. I started a couple of pages in there and have had the thought that, OMG this is terrible, or I don’t know what i’m doing. You name it. But, I try to reassure myself that it’s fine, I’m just beginning. I see the value of art journal, as the feelings it triggers are mirrored elsewhere in my life. I know I’ll find the balance somehow. But right now, everything is a little murky. Be nice. Be nice, even when you don’t feel nice. And most importantly, be nice to myself. I guess that’s my mantra right now.
Deep breathe and moving on.