no warning signs

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I don’t know why I am still surprised by my beloved. How many more ways could he possibly have of blowing my mind? Sometimes, when I suggest things, or discuss fears I have, fears that he doesn’t seem to share, I wonder if it doesn’t in some way appear like my relationships prior to ours were the equivalent of dating a feral cat or being raised by wolves. There really are no comparisons. I am loved. Of that I am sure. Maybe it’s the ease of things I love, which both fascinates and frightens me. It takes practice to appreciate things in the present and not worry about losing them or things changing. It takes even more effort to remember that ‘fear’ is just the past trying to make its way into the present somehow.  When I think of living together I instantly remember feeling bad every time I’ve done it before. But I seem to also forget how my gut told me not to each and every time. And now, now my gut has no warning signs. We fit in a way that continues to surprise me. Most important for me, is that I don’t lose my sense of self. That’s the journey that I’m on, especially on this so called “year of magical thinking.” I did say I was going to embrace life and be open to things that come my way and here it is, staring me in the face, this love and this person I had nearly stopped dreaming of because I had practically given up on them. It’s different and precious to me and I’m afraid of messing it up some how. I guess that’s the truth right there.

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