habitual offender

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I received a shock recently. A jolt to the system. I’m not sure how it’s going to pan out, what will happen from this jolt or shock or whatever you want to call it. All I know is that people love me and want the best for me, and I resist even the best advice or loving suggestion. I resist to the point that I’m practically in opposition to logic, reason, and love. It’s something I’ve said before about doing, and not just talking about doing etc. So I decided that I am going to kick myself in the pants and say no to resistance. So, I joined a gym yesterday, today I got up early (5:30!!!) and wrote some story material. I wrote for an hour and it went by fast. I am supposed to be reading now, since I want to be able to spend a little time every day doing the things that I love and that restore me to balance. I’m blogging because, I want to do that to, even if I struggle with what to say.

So here I am, taking a good look at myself, facing my resistance demons. Saying no to the voice that says, you can’t do it, or it’s hard, or that talks me out of beginning. I’m not going to have some voice in my imagination telling me what I can and cannot do. It doesn’t make sense to listen to voices in your head. In fact, they put people in padded rooms for this type of behavior, BECAUSE IT’S CRAZY TALK! So, yeah, my body is facing the ravages of time, and by time I mean the corporate lifestyle of sitting behind a computer for years, being paid in pizza to work late and I’ve taken it easy by not challenging my body. But today, I’m going to listen to my body and give it what it needs. I’m going to feed it food to make it better, I’m going to move it and give it purpose again. I’m going to feed the passion of writing instead of convincing myself that I am not good enough. Who cares if my grammar is flawed and I can’t keep up with my tenses? The fact is, I’m writing and I can notice it and fix it. The purpose is the story and if the story is good then someone else can edit the grammar but no one else can write this story but me.

I dated a guy once who wanted to do a lot of things, or so he said. But he never did them, and when i encouraged him, he resisted. He wanted to start running so he bought running shoes that were really comfortable. He wore them nearly every day to run errands, or to go the bar and watch football and drink a few beers, never to run. He talked about what he would do to this place/condo if it was his but never cleaned it, never gave it a coat of paint, never invested in any furniture for it, in fact, prior to me moving in his furniture was stuff he’d gathered from the side of the road. He talked a big game but never got off the bleachers.

I have found myself behaving in this way, and I want to do things differently.

I will write and publish a book.
I will start my own photography business and see it succeed.
I will work out and get to the point where I have tear drops in my quadracepts. 

Pretty clear goals right? Yeah, I think so.

 

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