deep thoughts

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Lately I’ve been thinking about Amsterdam. Every day I come to work and I think about where I’d rather be or what I’d rather be doing and quite often those types of thoughts lead me back to Amsterdam. At the end of the year my BF’s family takes a cruise for Christmas. This is the first year that I will be going with them since the first trip was already planned when we started dating, there was no cruise last year, and this is my first opportunity to go and be part of the trip. I have taken 2 weeks off at the end of the year and I have got an itch to just say no, and go to Amsterdam, alone.

There are just too many people to consider now. When I was single, I went where I wanted. I didn’t worry about who was coming, or how they would feel. Now, I’m an aunt. Holidays are the few times I get to see my nieces. I’m torn, I really am. Wondering how one still lives their own life while still being part of the lives of others. Seems like being alone is par for the course of living a life in which you alone rule. While I’d like to think I could leave my BF behind and spend a week in Amsterdam alone, I really would want him there with me. It wouldn’t be the same.

It’s no wonder people have midlife crisis. It’s like we spend our lives moving forward so quickly unaware of all the pieces of ourselves we leave behind, on fence posts or barbed wire, on a park bench or train, we can only look back, wishing we could gather all those pieces, if only to hold them again for a moment.

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